Did she make your heart beat faster than I could? Did she give you all you’ve hoped for?

I’m not going to lie and say that I’m ok with everything. Because I’m not. I’m still jealous that she gets to be with you when I can’t. I’m heartbroken that you’ve gotten over me. I’m angry that you get to have a girl that loves you in your life while I can’t maintain a relationship because I compare everybody and every feeling to you and the love I used to feel for you. It’s not fair because I have been trying my hardest to move on since our break up and I still get weak everytime you’d come around and dangle the carrot of hope in front of my face. I never wanted to be that kind of girl, that was why I broke up with you in the first place – to not be pathetic enough to drag this relationship out even though we both knew it didn’t work. But in the end, I did that anyway.

At some point, I had crossed this fine line between love and obsession. Somehow, I lost myself in the feeling of needing you to survive. The rest of my life didn’t satisfy me; school was a drag, home life was hell and you were all that was good and right. I clung to you because you were always there for me. When you withdrew, I clung harder. This was around the point we had already drifted apart and I tried so hard to keep you by my side that losing you more and more was more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced. I felt you disappearing before my eyes and I couldn’t do anything. You were just gone at some point even though your body stood next to me, holding my hand. I lost you. Losing you for real, knowing you didn’t care anymore, was and still is the most painful thing I have to deal with. Because no matter what happened, I always loved you. I always cared. I could never bring myself to hate you. I was drawn to you, like a moth to the light. You were my light, everything that gave my life meaning. And when you left, there was only blackness. I needed you to make me feel better but being with you just made me sad and confused…In the end, you kept making me iller than I was from the start. I guess that’s the danger of obsession. You cling desperately to the thing that gives you a good feeling and ignore that it’s actually just making you worse.