Recently, I’ve been having new nightmares..

I keep dreaming that I’m at some sort of dog park. There are a lot of strange people with their dogs, some small, some large. I’m there with my dog, often also with my grandparents who take care of my dog. At first, everything seems ok, I play with the other dogs and talk to the strange people, but every time, I would look around and suddenly, there would be this huge, aggressive-looking dog there (often german shepherds or pitbulls) and I remember feeling such gripping, crippeling fear, that it would hurt my little dog. The second I see the “bad” dog, everything starts going in slow motion, I struggle with breathing, I feel my panic rising. I look around, wondering what to do because it seems like I am the only one that is concerned. I remember breaking down and crying, I remember screaming and praying for my dog’s safety and then, I would see the owner of the “bad” dog release him. If I’m lucky, I wake up before the reaches us. If not, I see blood everywhere, I hear my dog crying in pain, I hear myself scream and trying to save it, but I’m powerless to do anything. And everybody else, including the owner, is just standing there, watching as his dog kills mine. I’m terrified and panicked and I don’t know what to do. I wake up each morning scared and unable to breathe. I don’t want anyone to hurt the ones I love, but I can’t do anything, I’m too weak.

Afraid.

I’m terrified of the world. I sometimes think I’m not good on my own. Then again, I also feel terrible when I’m with someone so either way, I’m unwell. I’m scared of so many things that are unlikely to happen to me. It sounds weird, but I am so terrified above all else of being raped. I don’t know where the fear comes from. Of course, nobody wants to be raped, but I’m actively afraid of it. Whenever I’m outside on my own, I can’t help but look over my shoulder every few steps because I feel like I’m constantly in danger. I lock my door twice each night and stem a huge chair against the door. I feel a little safer like that, but I haven’t felt safe in a very, very long time. I don’t remember what it was like as a child, but these active, crippeling fears of sexual abuse and violence have started since my relationship with my ex turned bad. I’ve been very afraid of robbers and intruders even as a child but it got so bad in the last years. I remember calling my ex boyfriend in tears in the middle of the night when my mother was away. He would give me instructions so I could sleep, but I just couldn’t. After that, he always slept at my place when my mother went out of town. When he was there, I felt a lot safer but I couldn’t help wondering what would happen if somebody came to rob the house when he was there. Would he be able to protect us both or would the robbers hurt him? I couldn’t stand the thought. After we broke up, the fear got so much worse. I dreamt every night for more than a year that strange men would come into our house, kill my mom and dog and then rape me. Ever night. I couldn’t stop dreaming about it and awoke each morning panicked and drenched in sweat. There was a short time when it stopped. I had started a new relationship and spent every night at his home because I was afraid to stay alone at mine. The dreams came back after that relationship started going downhill, too. I don’t feel safe anywhere. I have those nightmares anywhere I go. I feel so anxious and scared every single minute of each day and I just can’t calm down. It’s like having a panic attack but it never ever stops hurting.